Log in

We're driving around beeping the horn a little bit ago... stopped at a red light... screaming and waving our towels at the people on the sidewalk... this big strong dude come up to my window to high five me... the light turns green at the SAME EXACT time... my arm smashed up against the window frame and was pulled with FORCE in two directions... Think it's broke... it's numb from my shoulder to my fiingertips... FUCK.  But I don't even care cause we just won the SUPER BOWL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


I knew this would be hard but it's a thousand times harder than I could have ever imagined. I've had her since I was 2 months old. We grew up together. She wasn't a 'pet' she was a family member, a friend. Aside from my grams death last March, this is going down as the worst day of my life.
  I just can't believe it.  I can't fucking believe it.  She was so weak last night and I was being selfish and crying and slamming things and acting like a baby...  I sat down next to her and she crawled up in my lap, it took her almost a minute to move less than a foot.  She had to keep stopping and her legs kept giving out and I was sitting there sobbing.  She looked up at me and then made herself comfy.  I sat there until my legs fell asleep and I had my dad carry her in the living room and put her back on my lap.  Layed there crying for another hour before putting her in a makeshift bed.  I stayed downstairs with her until 3:20 am...  I gave her one last kiss and pet her one last time before going to bed.  Around 7:00 am, my dad came up to my room crying and I lost it.  I was screaming and kicking and tears were pouring from my eyes.  I couldn't stop.  She's gone.  I'll never see her again.  I already miss her, so much.  I can't fucking beleive my baby is in a box on the front porch, in the cold, waiting to be picked up tomorrow.  I decorated her box with hearts and pictures and stuff.  And I put her treats and 2 toys in the box with her.  I keep going out and petting her head but I think that might be making things worse on me.  She's so cold and stiff and I just wanna bring her back inside and lay down with her.  

My pap isn't doing too good. He's down to 91 pounds and keep in mind he's nearly 6 foot tall, although severely hunched over. He keeps telling my aunt Kathy all these weird places he has money hidden and since he also has dementia, she thought he was probably just making them up. Sure enough there really is money buried outside and behind walls in the basement. He also keeps saying how it's his time and he needs to be with my gram.

To be quite honest, I've never really seen eye to eye with my pap. He's very anti-affection showing and won't even let anyone hug him. He has a really foul mouth, yep even worse than mine, he loves saying cocksucker. He used to (and sometimes still does) tease me about being deaf in my left ear. Not friendly teasing either, he would say really, really mean things. He would also call me P. D. Piddles cause I wet the bed for a while. There were plenty of times that he smacked me on the back of the head for no reason. Stuff like that... I never liked him. But I always loved him.

Now the weird thing is, my mom is a daddy's girl. She just lost her mother a few months ago, this is going to fucking tear her apart. Me, not so much. Gram and I were peas in a pod and I still cry every night that she's gone. Pap and I... well he's not as mean to me since I've gotten older but he still hurts my feelings a lot. The other day I didn't hear him ask me something so he threw a banana at my head and said I'm a 'no good deaf and dumb cocksucker'. He's such a bitter old man and I've tried so many times to understand him but it's hard for me. Anyway he's still the only grandparent I have left. Without him there would be no me. My gram fell in love with him and had 6 kids (on top of the 2 she already had) with him so he must have been pretty great back in the day cause you don't get a wonderful wife like my gram if you don't deserve them. And my mom says he was a great dad when they were growing up. So maybe it's just old age that made him so bitter.

I know deep down he's a great guy and seeing him cry at my grams funeral made me realize that he is still VERY human and still the last person I'm clinging onto in the grandparent department. I've been making more of an attempt to get along with him and not take the things he says to heart. So just as I'm starting to think he's not so bad, he's probably gonna up and die on me. Before it would have just been me being upset to see my mom upset... now I think I'll be pretty upset as well. You know? I'll really miss Frankenstein... (my 6 year old mean name for him). :( And my mom will go into a deep depression and I'll have to stay strong for her.

I really pray he doesn't have cancer. He's already so skinny and it would just tear my mom apart to see him dwindle down to nothing but a Skeleton (my other 6 year old mean name for him, that's gonna haunt me forever... he was 40 pounds heavier when I started calling him that. :(
Getting sunburn on top of sunburn is really BAD. I'm gonna be super tan in a few weeks and possibly have skin cancer. I really need to start wearing sunscreen cause I have weird growths and moles on my arms already... and my uncle Eddie just found out he has skin cancer. I was supposed to have a few things removed at the dermatologists a while ago and never made the appointment. Now the one thing got bigger and darker, that's probably a bad sign. Oh boy, I need to go A freaking SAP. :p

I'd like to go downtown and donate blood but I don't think I should. They always 'check' the insides of my arms for who knows what and I have a lot of scars from cutting that highly resemble my sisters track marks. I hate how something I don't even do anymore affects my life. I don't try to hide them but I'm not trying to show them off by any means. It's hard to talk about.

My sister got half of her settlement today and gave me 150 bucks but I owed my dad 60. Still, 90 bucks for doing nothing is pretty awesome. I bought the new Disturbed CD and it's about time... I'm on the freaking street team for crying out loud! I should have been camping out for it on the 3rd. hahaha. I also got some new clothes. I didn't bother to try anything on... brilliant. I bet I have to take half the crap back. I'm so lame I bought a tank top with the number 33 on it just cause of Eric Cairns... Hey, I'm still allowed to love the guy even if he is retired and took a scouting job with the fucking Isles... Ahh. 33. Good ole 33. :D
It is so hot. Like OMFG scorching hot. :P I have sweat pouring off every part of my body, its so gross. My back hurts like heck, I got burnt so bad at the pool yesterday. Leave it to me to put sunsreen on my arms and chest but not my back... Let me tell you, my arms and chest still got burnt so you can imagine how beet red my back is. Oh and of course my legs are still ghostly white... WTF? My legs are pretty much ALWAYS white, even without protection.

So how bout my brother is staying with my sister and cousin and I still haven't seen him in 13 fucking years. That makes me so sad/angry. He drove my sister to my house the other day to pick up Faith and made sure she came to the door so that I wouldn't go to his car and see him. That is total bullshit. Then everytime we stop up my cousins, he is conveniently hiding or away. I'm gonna just jump in his motherfucking car next time he pulls up and be like, "Hey asshole, I miss you."

My boyfriend got a potato confused with his finger at work the other day. He was slicing them and took a big chunk of finger off with the peeler. Ouch. Oh shit, I just called him my boyfriend, didn't I? I've been doing that more and more lately. He got a haircut last week and I said "Oh no! Baby, what did you do with my curls!" *shame* I called him baby and 'my curls'? What was I thinking!? He just laughed and told me he'd save me some next time they grew back and he got his haircut. hahaha He's coming over tomorrow so of course I'm super happy. :)
I blame Jacey! It's all her fault! But awe!!!!!!!!! AARON WITH THE CUP!!!!!!!!!! The ONLY decent thing to come out of this crap. This so makes me wanna pull a certain dork out of the back of mind, dust him off and play away. hahaha... Oh boys. I give to you, the one and only Aaron Downey!

*dies* I can't believe we lost, I swear if it wasn't for this picture, I probably would have slept ALL day, everyday... for at least a month. Next year. Hopefully this crushed feeling is gone by then.

I hate every single last one of those dirty rotten no good old men.

Except Aaron Downey cause I still love him but I didn't say that. I would never say that. I can't say that. Oh, let me redeem myself, I was even mad at him when he skated out. :P

But you know what, I'm damn proud of my team.  They played a hell of a season and even though no one every remembers the losers, I'll never forget this amazing run for the cup. 

Sure I'm sick to my stomach.  Sure I cursed at my television.  Sure I selfishly cried a bit.  Those weren't things I could help though, reflexes if you will.  Those things don't mean a thing.  I have so much respect for the hard fought battle we lost.

Just a little bitter.  A lot bitter.  I'll live.  We'll come back next year.  So hat's off to the boys and most importantly...


Let's Go Pens!

Pens tomorrow. Do or die. Again.

It's not over till it's over and I'll keep saying that till we raise the cup or spend the night lying there in agony.

Do or die.


I never once gave up on them last night. Wait, that's a lie. With about 40 seconds left to go I started to cry. Seriously, I started to cry and then I heard the crowd go silent and screamed so fucking loud I probably woke the neighbors. But in overtime, I didn't give up. In the third with everyone chanting "We want the cup!" I didn't give up but rather exclaimed "So do we!"

I love you Max Talbot. I love you Petr Sykora. I love you Penguins. Oh there is nothing like hockey. Let's do this!